My body is dying

Well my depression is effecting me a lot. I feel that my body is dying: I have stomach pain, pain in my shoulders, low heart beat, dizziness. For the first time of my life I actually believe that sadness can kill you. I also knew this week that my best friend was hospitalized for 2 month for being anorexic and was going to die. I feel so sad because if I loose her I literally kill myself. I want to help her and let her out of this but I can't even help myself. I am really obsessed about my weight and I can't continue fighting because food has been so comforting for the past 8 month. I don't know what to do...

Back

So I have 9 weeks to loose all the fat:D!!
My diet is going to be very restrictive and I will do my best to actually maintain it and be able to wear jeans again. Hopefully this time it will be successful

Starting weight: 130 lbs, 21% fat

Incomplete....

How upsetting

They say life is full of challenges... life is beautiful... you should enjoy living and loving people around u... but how can u love people who can't feel your love... who can't feel you

He is with another one... a total lost and I can't grieve

I am not crying anymore, no more tears over my loss and I want to scream and cry like a baby

My pills make me calm but my hearts needs to beat , my heart needs to feel the pain because I am in pain even though I can't feel it

What is my life about? Depression, loneliness, food addiction, compulsive exercising, studies, work, gym, keeping people away, spending money

Then what? He just got another one... another one to replace the love I had for him

And in the end I got depression

Thank u Rabih 

And I thank myself for what I became today 

Borderline person 

pushing people away

The truth revealed

Let's get it all out:

Yesterday I went see my ex boyfriend's brother, he is considered to be my friend and my brother. I have not been at their place since October and when I was walking towards their house I was thinking about all the times I walked this way happy about having someone to love. I had flashback of times when we were sitting and kissing and talking and walking. I got to their place, it was a mess. The mother, considered to be my own mother, has been away for 2 month. For sure, the boys are lazy and can't take care of themselves. So I was in the living room and I see flowers. I ask the big brother who are these for, and he tells me for my ex, Rabih. I say oh he has a girlfriend and he looks at me sadly and says yes. I needed to cry so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I cried a bit, felt better and got out. I went to prepare some food for him and I needed to talk to someone. I excused myself and went to the room and called a friend who made me feel a lot worse. I started crying and then I started screaming and crying and Kamil, the big brother came to the room and hugged me like a father. I cried and I  talked, shaked, bleeded from the nose, had chest pains. Everything got out. He spent some time hugging me and caressing my hair and arms and he told me let it all out. I spent all my time cleaning the house with him and we ate , I was not able to swallow. I stayed there for about 5-6 hours and we talked about how I was feeling. This guy is the same version as me, went through same experiences and has the same personality so he understands my way of thinking. Rabih has a russian gf and he has been dating her for 2-3 weeks. Today, I am very bad and I feel I just got again to level 0. I will be posting when I can all my feelings about it but I am just crying because I got into depression and in the end he got another girlfriend...

Devastating

I know I have not been writing anything but my medication is really affecting my day.
So I started taking antidepressants and the first one I am trying is the neurotransmitter for serotonin and my cravings went very low. However, I am experiencing the side effects. I am very emotional today and I am crying by myself all day long. I am shaking and I have suicidal ideas and it is not helping me get better. My appetite went very low today and I feel like sleeping all day but yesterday something happened.

A so called friend of mine hurt me badly. We were talking and then he says a comment that upsets me. When he sees that I got angrier he tells me: "Go take another pill or something". I was shocked and tears fell down. WHy? because I am already devastated that my happiness depends on a pill. I am so screwed up that I need a pill to lift my mood up and you come and you joke about my destruction?

Later on, he comes and he tells me why are u crying and that he feels bad and that he always jokes about these things and why am I taking it seriously. I tell him you know what I don't care.

2 minutes later he comes and he tells me what makes me a bit upset is that you cried because I was joking about and in 2 seconds you tell me I don't care after making me feel bad?

Who is the one who should feel bad Mike? You? why because I made you feel bad when I cry? or should I be killed to hear from a friend his comments and his jokes about the thing that made my life hell.

Fighting for it

I am sorry I have not been posting anything. I kind of gave up for few days. Anyways I am back on track:

• I am taking antidepressants now and hopefully they will work and make my life easier
• I am eating a maximum of 1200 calories everyday
• I decided to stop the chocolate and lower the sweet food. I want my brain to stop being addicted
• I am working out everyday burning about 250-500 calories per day
• I am focusing on getting my protein for my muscle
• I am not getting my period because of intense workout
• On monday I will weigh myself again and see how much I got to.
• I am applying to medicine and I am stressed about my letters
• I want to focus on my studies and future
• I want to volunteer for a mental illness comity
• And finally I want my life and youth back

Stay strong for those who are fighting for happiness. You are not alone !!

Low R Score

My R score went down to 31 after being 32 last time I checked. Well, let's face it I had a semester of hell but why do I feel so bad? I am happy I am alive actually, I am grateful that this term was over and that depression is becoming less day by day. I am starting medication today and I want to see results and improvements. I have to make this work. I hope medicine will still accept me even though my grade is low. Hopefully, the medical letters will help.

Calories today

Today I was supposed to have 1000 calories. So

Breakfast: protein shake and 1 banana 130 and 105
1 jam sandwich 130
1 fruit 80
Launch: Chicken grilled and vegetables: 250 calories and 1 clementine 35
Couscous: 150 and 1 yogurt 35

Total 915 out of 1000

Purging/ stomach hurts

Today I was supposed to eat 1000. I came home few hours ago and I decided to binge and purge. SO I purged and I swear I stayed there for like 20 min and every time I purged it was lot of water and food coming out. SO it feels good but it feels like shit since my stomach hurts badly.  I counted my calories and I assume I respected my limit since I purged a lot. I am getting my period soon and I hate the feeling of being so bloated. SO tomorrow it's 1200 calories I feel like preparing my menu:

• So after gym it will be: 1 protein shake with half a banana: 182.5
• Then I will do my best!! to eat at 10 if I can't I will try to eat at 9h302 slices of bread with jam: 130
• Then at 1h or 1h30 I will have an egg sandwich prepared by me:) 170 calories and I will have some orange juice 80 calories and maybe half an apple: 50 calories.
• I will go to the hospital to do my volunteer shift: In the bus I will have my other half apple: 50 calories.
• After I finish I will eat for my workout: I will be eating a cup and a half of cereal with milk: 132 calories and I will have an orange: 85 calories

Total for now:  879.5 I can still have 220.5 calories

When I come home I am thinking about having a salad with dressing in it: salad will be 80 cal and the dressing will be 40. 1 kiwi: 46 and one chocolate bar which will be 60 calories. It will be dark!

Total: 1105.5 calories.

For sure if I can eat less it will be great!!

31/01/2010

Everyday I will post what I ate. I think it will make me feel stronger.
Today my limit was 900.
In the morning: 1 whole wheat bread with jam: 160
1 banana: 105
In the afternoon: Big vegetable soup with grilled chicken inside and whole wheat pasta very small quantity of pasta though: about I donno 250 300? Max?
Grilled chicken: 200? Maximum

Total: 765

I am happy I did not need chocolate to lift my depressed mood.

Refusal

I know I lost weight but I don't feel like weighing myself. I will buy tomorrow a digital scale and also it will show the percent body fat. I hate this fat on my body.

A typical day of depression

Yesterday was a typical border line/ depression day. I woke up at 1 as usual not able to sleep and I was walking in the house: Going to the kitchen/ preparing food for the day/ cleaning dishes/ going to the bathroom. My mum woke up at 4 and she started yelling at me: You always wake up and disturb the house and all the family has to wake up because of you and everything. I know it has been a long time my mum did not yell at me but I just wish she understands the fact that I am not able to sleep, I just can't and I am becoming obsessed about cleaning everything too that's why I make so much noise in the kitchen. She was also angry because my brother was not able to study and I just hate it when she has to put all her anger on me. For god sake, I know my mood and my behavior is not tolerable but from all people you do not need to hurt me and say things bad things. It just hurts. So I rushed to go to the gym and for the first time gym meant nothing. Usually I feel I put something out after my gym for example all the anger comes out but I felt like there is so much frustration inside of me because of this life. And you go to school and you get upset about this person who stops randomly in front of you, about the perfectionist girl who acts so stupid and dumb, the teacher who is so hyper, the teacher who puts classical music in class. I know sir you like the music but keep your passion for yourself you do not need to make people listen to the music. I just hate it all this negative energy, I get so pissed easily, I feel like hitting people and make them bleed but in my head there is this voice who says No you can't you will go to jail. The temptation is just too strong. I am just I donno angry and mad and sad. Then I go to classes and I feel very very sad and I remember how nobody can tolerate me, how nobody hangs out with me. For example: mike my friend well I donno if I can call you my friend but you already told me you are interested in me just physically let's say because you want to sleep with me and I always say no. And I really loved hanging out with you and now the only thing I see in you is this idea of sleeping with me. Yes I did kiss you but honestly I felt nothing I was not even turned on. I felt like just throwing up. You always hang out with others and when you come to me and talk to me I donno you are just not the right person to talk to about what is going on with me. I wish I donno sometimes I look at you and I admit you are attractive but we are not animals. You won't just sleep with me and behave like nothing happened. You do not want a serious relationship and I admit I can't love you, I barely feel alive. Just don't treat me like that every time you talk to me it's about sex and the physical attraction and you tell me that I relate sex to love and I donno all other kind of shit you say. You know you never came to me or texted me or called me and said let's hang out and have fun. I just see you I donno with others and I feel like oh I am the girl with the pain and problems and you don't stay with me because I always have things to complain about. Do I hate you? I donno what I feel or even if I feel it's just I am just pissed at this thing. You come then to class and you notice I was crying and you say: Is it another down moment or is it a new thing. You know what I can tell you is in case I kill myself you deserve to blame yourself also and consider yourself a part of my death. I know my happiness depends on others I know that I wish I can change it just don't come and tell me that. It's like Oh problems again what now? what is she pissed about now?
Then comes Romeo the other so called " friend". You were a problem last year and now we are friends again but I will never do the mistake twice. You sit next to me and you ask me what's wrong and why I am crying and why I am so upset and you insist on telling you. Then I say: don't waste your time on me. What I mean is i am also just a burden to you. Why do you want to hang out with a depressed person. It does piss me off also but I won't tell you anything. Because in two weeks you will come to me and you will tell me oh you are always miserable and unhappy and it's okay it's NOTHING. If it's nothing then it wouldn't last 6 month. It's been 6 month I have been in this darkness and I can't get out. I just hate how my happiness depends on others, how I feel that nobody gives a damn. That's why I think about suicide it's just so simple YOU are a pain to everybody, nobody understands nobody cares and you don't feel alive you feel dead you feel numb I was really imagining myself taking the pills and wanting it so bad.

Welcome to my life Reader!

Starting again after adjusting

So I have noticed that this is not working therefore I will always write my diet the day before and stick to it. For now, I will eat 1200 calories maximum on the days when I have basketball practice- 1000 on the days when I workout without basketball- and 900 on the days when I do not work out. This will be very hard for my body but it should work there are people out there who starve themselves and eat 300 cal I can do this. I just really need to be strong.
Tomorrow: Gym cardio in the morning and 2 hours basketball at night. Calorie intake: 1200 maximum:
As soon as I wake up I will have 3 ice cubes
1 Protein shake at 7 am: 130 calories
10 am: 1 sandwich and jam which is about 170 calories and one apple which is about 80 calories
1 pm: fish filet and salade : 200 calories
4 pm: 1 kellogs bar for glucose
2 cups of cereal with 100 ml milk which gives 346
After practice I will have my protein shake

Total: 1066 calories and for calories burned I can say I will burn minimum 500 calories this means I created a 900 calorie deficit on this day.

Thank GOD

Successful day 9 and I am back on track
Breakfast: 176 calories
Launch: 220 calories
Dinner: 405 calories

Total: 801 calories. Love it:D

Exercise vs. Appetite: Does Working Out Make You Eat More?

" Exercise makes us thin, right? Not so fast -- Time Magazine recently declared that exercise won't make us thin for several reasons but one in particular: working out leads us to eat more, likely because physical activity makes us hungry. And our post-fitness ravenous state leads us to take in more calories than we actually burned off during our workout, which results in -- no surprise here -- weight gain, or at the very least least, no weight lost"

Ya I don't like this ... hmmm

"Research on 58 overweight and obese adults showed that exercise did increase appetite in participants, but it also lead to them being more readily satisfied by the food they ate, meaning they felt full more quickly than they did when they weren't active. Ultimately, this would mean that while we'd definitely feel hungry after a workout, we'd eat less than we normally would have, which is never a bad thing.

But what about exercise and weight loss? Overall, it seems that exercise can help people lose weight, but unless you're logging at least a couple of hours a day at the gym, you'll still need to pay attention to what you're eating to see quick results. Says key researcher Dr. Neil King of Queensland University of Technology in Brisbane, "exercise is good for you, [but] don't expect unrealistic weight loss and don't give up exercising just because of lower-than-expected weight loss."

Well this article makes me think a lot because it means that my exercising will make me eat more. But, it's okay I know I am stronger than this and I will find a way to control all this stupid hunger and cravings. I refuse to let the food control my life anymore

Does exercising make you eat more?

1. Get realistic about the number of calories you're burning.

They mean that if you work out and you burn for example 300 calories don't go and eat a muffin afterward. I know that if you are eating 800-1000 calories you can include a muffin but then just sit down and not work out because you are just putting junk in ur body for nothing.

2. Get realistic about the number of calories you're eating.
Okay well this does not apply to me actually because well I workout very intensely I have muscles all over my body in a week and I love it. But I can't eat 2000 calories it's crazy even though I binge but still. So my recommendations this is actually hell lol. It's because the reason why I have not been able to maintain 1200 is because my body takes all the energy for muscles so I know that if I stay away from home or sleep early I will be able to control my calorie intake. My best advice to not feel starvation is to really divide the portion of food over the day and know when you eat the most and try to give yourself the most calories left at that time. Also, if u can drink protein shakes they are 120 calories per shake with just water and you can have flavors but it's good because then your body does not make you feel hungry since the proteins are provided to him. Also buy vitamins capsules because you need it as you read in my previous article about what you are actually craving you will know how to reduce those cravings by giving your body the right vitamins.

2. Use a new reward system
Amazing thing to do when you lose weight :D

3. Don't stop believing...
in the power of exercise. Beyond weight loss, being physically fit could reduce your risk of disease, ward off back pain and even improve your memory.
ALSO never stop believing in the power of ana Stay strong


Source: http://www.self.com/fooddiet/blogs/healthybites/2009/08/does-exercising-make-you-eat-m.html

Update

Hello ladies

Today I am very happy because I feel that I will be able to get to my 1200 calories and I won't disappoint you. Now since I am obsessed with gym and food I always love to share my knowledge so I will post few articles about things for those who work out a lot like me and can eat 1000 calories and 1200. I love to guide them to what they should eat and they will notice more weight loss than usual. SO I hope you enjoy the articles. Stay strong because the happiness you get from being thin is a lot more important than the happiness you get from satisfying your craving :D

I feel bad

I failed for 4 consecutive days :( I hate this but let's face it I lost what? 4 lbs in one damn week which is not normally possible. This is all because of exercise and even though I ate like a pig I lost. I am happy I lost but I am scared now because my body wants to gain it back, my body is not used to loose so much in so little time. So I will do my best to stay on 1200 calories and see how it goes. If it does not work I will increase it and then start decrease a bit everyday. It's the only way to make my body work the way I want. Stay strong girls XOX

Explaining your cravings

• When you want CHOCOLATE what you really need is magnesium. Go for the Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, and fruits.

• When you crave SWEETS your body is asking for Chromium,Carbon, Phosphorus, Sulfur, and/or Tryptophan. Reach for green leafy veggies, fresh or dried fruits, and even a little animal protein.

• Want to load up on carbs? A desire for BREAD OR TOAST may be your body wanting Nitrogen. Reach for foods high in proteins.

• Dreaming of FATTY FRIED FOOD or FOOD HIGH IN OILS? Get a little Calcium instead. Try a veggie high in calcium such as mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, or sesame instead of dairy products and get a boost in energy too.

• Do you need your morning COFFEE OT TEA? Phosphorous, Natural Sulfur, Iron and/or Natural Salt is what your body wants. Try a little lean meat with your breakfast and apple cider vinegar on your salads.

• Addictions like ALCOHOL OR RECREATIONAL DRUGS may be a cry for something else like Protein, Avenin, Calcium, Glutamine, and/or Potassium. Try oatmeal with walnuts, raw cabbage, seaweed, and sun dried black olives to help. *Never try to deal with an addiction on your own*

• Have a habit of CHEWING ICE? You may need Iron. Serve yourself a big bowl of black cherries.

• Can't wait for your next ice cold SODA OR CARBONATED DRINK? Try a glass of milk instead. You may need calcium.

• Need SALTY FOOD to make it through the day? You may be short on Chloride. Replenish it with raw goat milk, fish, or unrefined sea salt.

• Get those nagging PRE-MENSTRUAL CRAVINGS? You may lack Zinc. Eat more seafood, leafy vegetables or root vegetables during your cycle.

Source: http://www.ehow.com/how_2226035_body-needs-craves-bad-stuff.html

• 

Amasing Thinspo

I need your HELP and SUPPORT

Okay I spent 2 days binge eating like a pig. I HATE IT. I am losing weight I noticed it and also I workout for 9 hours a week which is a lot. My whole body is changing because I am having muscles all over my body and it replaces the fat. So, I am expecting a weight increase because muscles weight a lot more than fat! Now for 2 days I binged at night and I hate it. I hate that I starve at night and my stupid mind wants me to eat. I hate the fact that I love food and I crave chocolate. I want every fat cell in my body to go. I need your support and your help to put me back on track. I feel that I am giving up. Help Girlss

Day 2 completed

I am very happy today I ate healthy meals and I was able to maintain my limit:
Breakfast: cereal and milk 232 calories
Launch 400-500
Dinner: 1 banana:105
1 apple: 40
1 protein shake: 120
chicken: hmm maybe 200? 300?
Total: 1200
I worked from 8h30 to 5h30 and did my weight training for an hour. For sure I burned my 200 calories. Stay strong ladies X0X

First Day Completed

I am so happy that I ate less than 1200 and today I burned 382 calories at the gym. So day one is completed:
Breakfast: 2 cups of cereal : 176 cal

100 ml milk: 56 cal
30 cal fruit
35 cal yogurt
Launch: 110 protein shake
180 sandwich
Dinner about 488 cal

Total: 1075 calories

I am starting

Okay so finally after all my exams are done I am starting my diet plan. For 3 weeks and starting january 15 I will eat only 1200 cal. per day and burn a minimum of 200 calories per day. I will also get on the scale every friday of that week. My starting weight is 59 kg. Hopefully the weight will get lower...

Non bloddy pain (part one)

During their lives, people wake up every day and try their best to finish their goals and to create a balance to be able to experience pleasure and satisfaction. However, some people wake up and feel the routine again and do their best to be able to feel good about their lives. Then, you have those who wake up and wish they were just dead. I am one of those people and I have been like this for three month now. Is it sad? Does it hurt? How do you feel? What’s wrong? What did you experience to have this feeling? There is nothing in your life that pushes you to be like that? You have everything so why are you doing this to yourself? You know what I am sick of these questions. I am sick of those who say: “No we understand, you just need help, it’s a phase you will get out”. You know what just go to hell and leave me alone. Oh wait you are already leaving me alone. That’s one thing you have done and so many other things. You want to call depression, border line, personality disorder, and all the other things well just call it whatever you want. I call it PAIN screaming from the inside. As much as you are sick of me, I am sick of myself too and what do I have left? Suicide? But I loved life and I wanted to wake up and change the world and do so many things. Right now, the pain is too much I wonder if it does matter or if it does worth it. Such pain cannot be described, it’s like living with a beast inside you, it’s like screaming and letting blood come out of your veins, it’s like being hit for one hour like a slave, that’s what I have been living for 3 month. Honestly, it’s ENOUGH. To those who care, you can read and try to understand. For those who don’t well just stay away because as I am nothing to you, you are more than dead to me: you were never born.
Number 1 : Let’s face it, you were the trigger. It is okay everybody goes through a break up, I got that. I am not crying because I lost you, I cried enough for that. Maybe I cry because I lost the feeling from being with you, ya maybe I still do but that’s nothing anymore, that’s not pain, it became numbness. Relationships do not work all the time, Fuck I got that okay? I know, I understand, I am not contesting anymore, I am not saying anything anymore, I am shutting all the beautiful memories away and I am trying to erase them. But, how can your brain erase things that produced so much pleasure, that made me feel alive for once, that made feel someone cares and loves me. I loved you, yes, a lot for sure, I loved you tones in such little time. Time is not the issue, it’s the amount of love I had for you. I did not even notice I loved you that much. I just discovered how much love and affection I have been deprived and how much I need it. You gave it to me, all these feelings, these nights of constant dream, I loved them, I loved you for the way you made me feel. In the end, you did not love me back. It’s okay, it happens I do not blame you. I just think I can’t forgive you for what you have done to me, I can’t forget the pain, the nights of screaming because of you. I loved you so much, GOD I loved you so much and I miss you so much but you’re gone. You’re just gone and I can’t have anything back. It’s just gone. Okay, I need to stop crying but tears are just falling down. I am a passionate and I had passion for you. Yes I blame myself, for opening my heart for you, for trusting you, for loving you and adoring you. I blame myself for all these things. I wish I can go back and never met you from the beginning. Let’s face it, I can’t go back, it’s done. Okay, that’s one. What’s next? Well I went away for one month. Why, because I fuckin loved you because I was not able to come back and pretend like all these things did not happen. I can’t be your friend, I can’t look at you and pretend nothing happened. I can’t okay? I can’t look at you and say to myself, God I love you. I can’t bear the pain. Maybe I was not able to control myself. That’s why I said I need to stay away. I need to go away to forget and forgive. And I sent you a message. I told you I wanted to see you. I wanted to know what I felt that night. What will happen? I wanted to go out, to be friends, to enjoy my time with you just like I used to. I was prepared to spend a good night with you, hanging out, enjoying our time, have fun. I saw you, you just wanted to talk. Nothing more, strike one. I looked at you in the eyes, I was GONE. I was dead; I was nothing to you, NOTHING do you know what nothing is. Nothing and I will say it again I was fucking NOTHING. I asked why, you did not know, I was just dead: Strike 2. We walked towards your house, I asked you to study together just to spend time together. You told me before I took my one month break that you wanted to be friends, to go out to have fun, to know each other. Well, I wanted that too and I just needed some time. When I came back, you already changed your mind. Why? I don’t know, you just did. Well, I asked you if you wanted to study, you said: “I always study with my friends”. Strike three, what the hell did I do I want to go back and never met you that night. Too late, it already happened. So, at the house, you slept on the couch and I was looking at you and I remembered all the nights you slept in my arms, all the nights I watched you sleeping like a baby, you were my baby, you were my love. I got out of the house. How, I do not remember. I just got out, and life was black that night. That was the trigger, everything started in September. I do not know what to tell you, I sent you an email that’s what I wrote I just copy paste it. I can’t read it, it’s too painful:
First I hope you will read this message until the end because it is very important for me that you know the truth. I never lied to you and I always told you everything and this message is the whole truth of what is going on. I am writing this message for myself, to be able to get everything out of my head including you. I ask you not to reply to my message and I know that you won't since you always respected my decisions and I appreciate that. Here is the thing rabih before I took some time to forget my feelings and to move on you asked me if I will still come back and come to your place and talk to you and if we will maintain a good relationship and go back to be friends and we both agreed that we will try if I recall well. However, today, it is not the case at all.I DIED in your eyes and I noticed that and I know that just by looking at you last week I felt I did not mean anything to you and I have no idea why. It's a feeling I have but I can never be sure if it's the truth because I can't know what you are thinking about and I can never know your feelings unless you tell me. However, I will follow my feeling and tell you everything. I hoped that when I come back you will be rabih, the same guy who always laughs and jokes around and makes me feel happy and good, the first rabih I knew long time ago. However, it is not the case and I am not going to lie to myself and imagine you like that because it is just not the case. I have no idea why this happened and once again when I said I wanted to be close to you it is because you are an amazing person I can't loose in my life and not because I hoped we will be back together, this dream was over men zamen. I just want to tell you that for whatever reason I died in your heart, I did not do anything, I did not cheat on you and I always loved you from the deep bottom of my heart, with lot of innocence and careness. It does kill me to see that I died in your eyes and I am just out of your heart. I am not a person you trully care about anymore and who you want to know better and who you want to spend time with. Here I said it, it does hurt and you can't imagine how much it does because the only thing I did is I loved you and I was not like any girl who did cheat on you and who hurt you. I do not deserve what is happening I just do not deserve this new rabih but it is okay that's life, people always leave and you changed and that's it. I am happy to admit that kel shi 3melto ken eno 7abaytak w le 3ambesir mich be sababe. You decided to change and you decided not to go back to the great rabih I knew, ana ma3melet shi jara7ak la este7il le 3ambesir. The only last thing you will hear from me is: you were the best dream I have ever lived, I loved you so much and I cared about you so much and it's okay, you did not love me back, it was the wrong time and it did not work, that's life. Just know that I am always here for you, ALWAYS and whenever you decide to let me in you know where to find me but now I can't look at your eyes and say to myself I died because I still care about you a lot and sometimes I wish I did not le2ano kelo 3ambesir men taraf wahad and it's enough for now. Goodbye rabih I hope your dreams come true and you find that person who you will love from your heart and who will love you back.

Rayano

Waw, already two pages about you. Well, I am tired now, let’s say that maybe you, reader, understood. Maybe you did not. It’s okay, I know what it feels to lose someone you adored. I just wished I never knew you. You’re too much pain for me. Too much. Well, you never replied to the message, did you read it I don’t know and I don’t want to know. It kills to know that a person who fuckin cared about you so much, means nothing to you anymore. I am just dead to you stranger, dead to you and I fuckin did not do anything to deserve it. I cherished you, I loved you and that’s how you pay me back. Fine, it’s okay. You’re human I understand just do not make me pay for pain you had. If your ex did hurt you one, I do not deserve to pay for it. I do not know if you are even making me pay for anything, let’s say your unconscious is making me pay for things I did not do. What can I say, can I forgive you? I don’t know but do you understand why, I can’t call your house and talk to you mother : I can’t hear your voice. You know why I can’t come to your house: I can’t see your face. You know why I do not even dare passing next to the street where you live the whole fucking Boulevard I can’t pass next to it: I can’t remember me walking on this street so happy and excited to see you. It’s gone. You’re gone. Metro de la Concorde, every time the metro stops there I wish the doors do not open. I am scared of meeting you just once, paranoid of seeing you by chance, I can’t handle it anymore. I hate you don’t leave me? Now I understand what the title of this book means. It is okay, just like my other friend says: You only know him for 2 months. Yes I know, but I loved him too much, too much to forget and forgive. Let’s say, I am ready to shut you out. I loved you... but enough PAIN. And do you know what hurts the most? It’s that this guy did not even get affected at all. I got all the pain, I was the one to crash, I cried. I am not saying that I wish he felt bad. No, I do not wish him harm at all, it just hurts me to know that he is doing so good and well and I am barely alive. Suicide? For him, not really. But for the pain I will say definitely. There are lot of things about this guy and I just don’t know I wish I can just describe all the painful nights and nightmares I had been seeing because of what happened. Then, the others come and tell me well listen it did not work, it’s you who is overreacting. Yes you want me to blame myself; sure I do blame the way I think. Just do not blame me for having a heart and loving and caring. DO not blame me for that.

few more days

I have to say that the diet has to start on thursday. I am going through finals now and it sucks that my stress makes me eat like crazy. Also, trying to overcome the depression time. Anyway I will come back once those exams are done and hopefully I will be free. Wish me good luck :)

If you need it...

...

I have to admit it. Yesterday went bad and I just do not want to think about it. My problem is that I am having exams until next week and you know how food is important when yo study. So yesterday I went over 1200 maybe 1600? so I just feel very very bad but I think that today I really have to start today. The other thing I have to wait until next week to start working out because of finals. Anyway, I hope everybody is able to stick to their plan. Remember one thing: IT IS HARD, because your body is not used to it. Whenever you feel like giving up remember how much you want it, the happiness, the beauty. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Starting

Diet plan:

Let's start with some stats:

Height: 5"3
HW: 60 kg which is 130 lbs
LW: 50 kg which is 110 lbs
CW: 59 kg which is 129.8

I want to get to 100 lbs which is 45 kg by May. I am thinking about a good diet plan but I will definitely workout 5 times a week for about an hour everyday. I just can't wait for tomorrow to start everything. I think for now that's how I will start:

Week 1-3, starting at 129 and only eating 1200 calories. I will burn a minimum of 200 calories per session of training and on 27/01/10 my weight should be 124 pounds. Bring it on!!:D

ENOUGH

I hate it. I hate food. I hate every fat cell in my body. I can't take it: binging/ binging and purging/ starving/ the part of my body screaming for food and the other part hating the food. It is becoming so difficult. So after eating so much today I just hate myself, I hate being hungry. NO MORE STOP the fat. That's it for today. I just need to concentrate on my studies and get the fat out of my body.
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