A typical day of depression

Yesterday was a typical border line/ depression day. I woke up at 1 as usual not able to sleep and I was walking in the house: Going to the kitchen/ preparing food for the day/ cleaning dishes/ going to the bathroom. My mum woke up at 4 and she started yelling at me: You always wake up and disturb the house and all the family has to wake up because of you and everything. I know it has been a long time my mum did not yell at me but I just wish she understands the fact that I am not able to sleep, I just can't and I am becoming obsessed about cleaning everything too that's why I make so much noise in the kitchen. She was also angry because my brother was not able to study and I just hate it when she has to put all her anger on me. For god sake, I know my mood and my behavior is not tolerable but from all people you do not need to hurt me and say things bad things. It just hurts. So I rushed to go to the gym and for the first time gym meant nothing. Usually I feel I put something out after my gym for example all the anger comes out but I felt like there is so much frustration inside of me because of this life. And you go to school and you get upset about this person who stops randomly in front of you, about the perfectionist girl who acts so stupid and dumb, the teacher who is so hyper, the teacher who puts classical music in class. I know sir you like the music but keep your passion for yourself you do not need to make people listen to the music. I just hate it all this negative energy, I get so pissed easily, I feel like hitting people and make them bleed but in my head there is this voice who says No you can't you will go to jail. The temptation is just too strong. I am just I donno angry and mad and sad. Then I go to classes and I feel very very sad and I remember how nobody can tolerate me, how nobody hangs out with me. For example: mike my friend well I donno if I can call you my friend but you already told me you are interested in me just physically let's say because you want to sleep with me and I always say no. And I really loved hanging out with you and now the only thing I see in you is this idea of sleeping with me. Yes I did kiss you but honestly I felt nothing I was not even turned on. I felt like just throwing up. You always hang out with others and when you come to me and talk to me I donno you are just not the right person to talk to about what is going on with me. I wish I donno sometimes I look at you and I admit you are attractive but we are not animals. You won't just sleep with me and behave like nothing happened. You do not want a serious relationship and I admit I can't love you, I barely feel alive. Just don't treat me like that every time you talk to me it's about sex and the physical attraction and you tell me that I relate sex to love and I donno all other kind of shit you say. You know you never came to me or texted me or called me and said let's hang out and have fun. I just see you I donno with others and I feel like oh I am the girl with the pain and problems and you don't stay with me because I always have things to complain about. Do I hate you? I donno what I feel or even if I feel it's just I am just pissed at this thing. You come then to class and you notice I was crying and you say: Is it another down moment or is it a new thing. You know what I can tell you is in case I kill myself you deserve to blame yourself also and consider yourself a part of my death. I know my happiness depends on others I know that I wish I can change it just don't come and tell me that. It's like Oh problems again what now? what is she pissed about now?
Then comes Romeo the other so called " friend". You were a problem last year and now we are friends again but I will never do the mistake twice. You sit next to me and you ask me what's wrong and why I am crying and why I am so upset and you insist on telling you. Then I say: don't waste your time on me. What I mean is i am also just a burden to you. Why do you want to hang out with a depressed person. It does piss me off also but I won't tell you anything. Because in two weeks you will come to me and you will tell me oh you are always miserable and unhappy and it's okay it's NOTHING. If it's nothing then it wouldn't last 6 month. It's been 6 month I have been in this darkness and I can't get out. I just hate how my happiness depends on others, how I feel that nobody gives a damn. That's why I think about suicide it's just so simple YOU are a pain to everybody, nobody understands nobody cares and you don't feel alive you feel dead you feel numb I was really imagining myself taking the pills and wanting it so bad.

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