Non bloddy pain (part one)

During their lives, people wake up every day and try their best to finish their goals and to create a balance to be able to experience pleasure and satisfaction. However, some people wake up and feel the routine again and do their best to be able to feel good about their lives. Then, you have those who wake up and wish they were just dead. I am one of those people and I have been like this for three month now. Is it sad? Does it hurt? How do you feel? What’s wrong? What did you experience to have this feeling? There is nothing in your life that pushes you to be like that? You have everything so why are you doing this to yourself? You know what I am sick of these questions. I am sick of those who say: “No we understand, you just need help, it’s a phase you will get out”. You know what just go to hell and leave me alone. Oh wait you are already leaving me alone. That’s one thing you have done and so many other things. You want to call depression, border line, personality disorder, and all the other things well just call it whatever you want. I call it PAIN screaming from the inside. As much as you are sick of me, I am sick of myself too and what do I have left? Suicide? But I loved life and I wanted to wake up and change the world and do so many things. Right now, the pain is too much I wonder if it does matter or if it does worth it. Such pain cannot be described, it’s like living with a beast inside you, it’s like screaming and letting blood come out of your veins, it’s like being hit for one hour like a slave, that’s what I have been living for 3 month. Honestly, it’s ENOUGH. To those who care, you can read and try to understand. For those who don’t well just stay away because as I am nothing to you, you are more than dead to me: you were never born.
Number 1 : Let’s face it, you were the trigger. It is okay everybody goes through a break up, I got that. I am not crying because I lost you, I cried enough for that. Maybe I cry because I lost the feeling from being with you, ya maybe I still do but that’s nothing anymore, that’s not pain, it became numbness. Relationships do not work all the time, Fuck I got that okay? I know, I understand, I am not contesting anymore, I am not saying anything anymore, I am shutting all the beautiful memories away and I am trying to erase them. But, how can your brain erase things that produced so much pleasure, that made me feel alive for once, that made feel someone cares and loves me. I loved you, yes, a lot for sure, I loved you tones in such little time. Time is not the issue, it’s the amount of love I had for you. I did not even notice I loved you that much. I just discovered how much love and affection I have been deprived and how much I need it. You gave it to me, all these feelings, these nights of constant dream, I loved them, I loved you for the way you made me feel. In the end, you did not love me back. It’s okay, it happens I do not blame you. I just think I can’t forgive you for what you have done to me, I can’t forget the pain, the nights of screaming because of you. I loved you so much, GOD I loved you so much and I miss you so much but you’re gone. You’re just gone and I can’t have anything back. It’s just gone. Okay, I need to stop crying but tears are just falling down. I am a passionate and I had passion for you. Yes I blame myself, for opening my heart for you, for trusting you, for loving you and adoring you. I blame myself for all these things. I wish I can go back and never met you from the beginning. Let’s face it, I can’t go back, it’s done. Okay, that’s one. What’s next? Well I went away for one month. Why, because I fuckin loved you because I was not able to come back and pretend like all these things did not happen. I can’t be your friend, I can’t look at you and pretend nothing happened. I can’t okay? I can’t look at you and say to myself, God I love you. I can’t bear the pain. Maybe I was not able to control myself. That’s why I said I need to stay away. I need to go away to forget and forgive. And I sent you a message. I told you I wanted to see you. I wanted to know what I felt that night. What will happen? I wanted to go out, to be friends, to enjoy my time with you just like I used to. I was prepared to spend a good night with you, hanging out, enjoying our time, have fun. I saw you, you just wanted to talk. Nothing more, strike one. I looked at you in the eyes, I was GONE. I was dead; I was nothing to you, NOTHING do you know what nothing is. Nothing and I will say it again I was fucking NOTHING. I asked why, you did not know, I was just dead: Strike 2. We walked towards your house, I asked you to study together just to spend time together. You told me before I took my one month break that you wanted to be friends, to go out to have fun, to know each other. Well, I wanted that too and I just needed some time. When I came back, you already changed your mind. Why? I don’t know, you just did. Well, I asked you if you wanted to study, you said: “I always study with my friends”. Strike three, what the hell did I do I want to go back and never met you that night. Too late, it already happened. So, at the house, you slept on the couch and I was looking at you and I remembered all the nights you slept in my arms, all the nights I watched you sleeping like a baby, you were my baby, you were my love. I got out of the house. How, I do not remember. I just got out, and life was black that night. That was the trigger, everything started in September. I do not know what to tell you, I sent you an email that’s what I wrote I just copy paste it. I can’t read it, it’s too painful:
First I hope you will read this message until the end because it is very important for me that you know the truth. I never lied to you and I always told you everything and this message is the whole truth of what is going on. I am writing this message for myself, to be able to get everything out of my head including you. I ask you not to reply to my message and I know that you won't since you always respected my decisions and I appreciate that. Here is the thing rabih before I took some time to forget my feelings and to move on you asked me if I will still come back and come to your place and talk to you and if we will maintain a good relationship and go back to be friends and we both agreed that we will try if I recall well. However, today, it is not the case at all.I DIED in your eyes and I noticed that and I know that just by looking at you last week I felt I did not mean anything to you and I have no idea why. It's a feeling I have but I can never be sure if it's the truth because I can't know what you are thinking about and I can never know your feelings unless you tell me. However, I will follow my feeling and tell you everything. I hoped that when I come back you will be rabih, the same guy who always laughs and jokes around and makes me feel happy and good, the first rabih I knew long time ago. However, it is not the case and I am not going to lie to myself and imagine you like that because it is just not the case. I have no idea why this happened and once again when I said I wanted to be close to you it is because you are an amazing person I can't loose in my life and not because I hoped we will be back together, this dream was over men zamen. I just want to tell you that for whatever reason I died in your heart, I did not do anything, I did not cheat on you and I always loved you from the deep bottom of my heart, with lot of innocence and careness. It does kill me to see that I died in your eyes and I am just out of your heart. I am not a person you trully care about anymore and who you want to know better and who you want to spend time with. Here I said it, it does hurt and you can't imagine how much it does because the only thing I did is I loved you and I was not like any girl who did cheat on you and who hurt you. I do not deserve what is happening I just do not deserve this new rabih but it is okay that's life, people always leave and you changed and that's it. I am happy to admit that kel shi 3melto ken eno 7abaytak w le 3ambesir mich be sababe. You decided to change and you decided not to go back to the great rabih I knew, ana ma3melet shi jara7ak la este7il le 3ambesir. The only last thing you will hear from me is: you were the best dream I have ever lived, I loved you so much and I cared about you so much and it's okay, you did not love me back, it was the wrong time and it did not work, that's life. Just know that I am always here for you, ALWAYS and whenever you decide to let me in you know where to find me but now I can't look at your eyes and say to myself I died because I still care about you a lot and sometimes I wish I did not le2ano kelo 3ambesir men taraf wahad and it's enough for now. Goodbye rabih I hope your dreams come true and you find that person who you will love from your heart and who will love you back.

Rayano

Waw, already two pages about you. Well, I am tired now, let’s say that maybe you, reader, understood. Maybe you did not. It’s okay, I know what it feels to lose someone you adored. I just wished I never knew you. You’re too much pain for me. Too much. Well, you never replied to the message, did you read it I don’t know and I don’t want to know. It kills to know that a person who fuckin cared about you so much, means nothing to you anymore. I am just dead to you stranger, dead to you and I fuckin did not do anything to deserve it. I cherished you, I loved you and that’s how you pay me back. Fine, it’s okay. You’re human I understand just do not make me pay for pain you had. If your ex did hurt you one, I do not deserve to pay for it. I do not know if you are even making me pay for anything, let’s say your unconscious is making me pay for things I did not do. What can I say, can I forgive you? I don’t know but do you understand why, I can’t call your house and talk to you mother : I can’t hear your voice. You know why I can’t come to your house: I can’t see your face. You know why I do not even dare passing next to the street where you live the whole fucking Boulevard I can’t pass next to it: I can’t remember me walking on this street so happy and excited to see you. It’s gone. You’re gone. Metro de la Concorde, every time the metro stops there I wish the doors do not open. I am scared of meeting you just once, paranoid of seeing you by chance, I can’t handle it anymore. I hate you don’t leave me? Now I understand what the title of this book means. It is okay, just like my other friend says: You only know him for 2 months. Yes I know, but I loved him too much, too much to forget and forgive. Let’s say, I am ready to shut you out. I loved you... but enough PAIN. And do you know what hurts the most? It’s that this guy did not even get affected at all. I got all the pain, I was the one to crash, I cried. I am not saying that I wish he felt bad. No, I do not wish him harm at all, it just hurts me to know that he is doing so good and well and I am barely alive. Suicide? For him, not really. But for the pain I will say definitely. There are lot of things about this guy and I just don’t know I wish I can just describe all the painful nights and nightmares I had been seeing because of what happened. Then, the others come and tell me well listen it did not work, it’s you who is overreacting. Yes you want me to blame myself; sure I do blame the way I think. Just do not blame me for having a heart and loving and caring. DO not blame me for that.