Sunday, March 21, 2010

My body is dying

Well my depression is effecting me a lot. I feel that my body is dying: I have stomach pain, pain in my shoulders, low heart beat, dizziness. For the first time of my life I actually believe that sadness can kill you. I also knew this week that my best friend was hospitalized for 2 month for being anorexic and was going to die. I feel so sad because if I loose her I literally kill myself. I want to help her and let her out of this but I can't even help myself. I am really obsessed about my weight and I can't continue fighting because food has been so comforting for the past 8 month. I don't know what to do...

Sunday, March 14, 2010


So I have 9 weeks to loose all the fat:D!!
My diet is going to be very restrictive and I will do my best to actually maintain it and be able to wear jeans again. Hopefully this time it will be successful

Starting weight: 130 lbs, 21% fat

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


How upsetting

They say life is full of challenges... life is beautiful... you should enjoy living and loving people around u... but how can u love people who can't feel your love... who can't feel you

He is with another one... a total lost and I can't grieve

I am not crying anymore, no more tears over my loss and I want to scream and cry like a baby

My pills make me calm but my hearts needs to beat , my heart needs to feel the pain because I am in pain even though I can't feel it

What is my life about? Depression, loneliness, food addiction, compulsive exercising, studies, work, gym, keeping people away, spending money

Then what? He just got another one... another one to replace the love I had for him

And in the end I got depression
Thank u Rabih 
And I thank myself for what I became today 
Borderline person 
pushing people away

Sunday, February 28, 2010

The truth revealed

Let's get it all out:

Yesterday I went see my ex boyfriend's brother, he is considered to be my friend and my brother. I have not been at their place since October and when I was walking towards their house I was thinking about all the times I walked this way happy about having someone to love. I had flashback of times when we were sitting and kissing and talking and walking. I got to their place, it was a mess. The mother, considered to be my own mother, has been away for 2 month. For sure, the boys are lazy and can't take care of themselves. So I was in the living room and I see flowers. I ask the big brother who are these for, and he tells me for my ex, Rabih. I say oh he has a girlfriend and he looks at me sadly and says yes. I needed to cry so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I cried a bit, felt better and got out. I went to prepare some food for him and I needed to talk to someone. I excused myself and went to the room and called a friend who made me feel a lot worse. I started crying and then I started screaming and crying and Kamil, the big brother came to the room and hugged me like a father. I cried and I  talked, shaked, bleeded from the nose, had chest pains. Everything got out. He spent some time hugging me and caressing my hair and arms and he told me let it all out. I spent all my time cleaning the house with him and we ate , I was not able to swallow. I stayed there for about 5-6 hours and we talked about how I was feeling. This guy is the same version as me, went through same experiences and has the same personality so he understands my way of thinking. Rabih has a russian gf and he has been dating her for 2-3 weeks. Today, I am very bad and I feel I just got again to level 0. I will be posting when I can all my feelings about it but I am just crying because I got into depression and in the end he got another girlfriend...

Friday, February 19, 2010


I know I have not been writing anything but my medication is really affecting my day.
So I started taking antidepressants and the first one I am trying is the neurotransmitter for serotonin and my cravings went very low. However, I am experiencing the side effects. I am very emotional today and I am crying by myself all day long. I am shaking and I have suicidal ideas and it is not helping me get better. My appetite went very low today and I feel like sleeping all day but yesterday something happened.

A so called friend of mine hurt me badly. We were talking and then he says a comment that upsets me. When he sees that I got angrier he tells me: "Go take another pill or something". I was shocked and tears fell down. WHy? because I am already devastated that my happiness depends on a pill. I am so screwed up that I need a pill to lift my mood up and you come and you joke about my destruction?

Later on, he comes and he tells me why are u crying and that he feels bad and that he always jokes about these things and why am I taking it seriously. I tell him you know what I don't care.

2 minutes later he comes and he tells me what makes me a bit upset is that you cried because I was joking about and in 2 seconds you tell me I don't care after making me feel bad?

Who is the one who should feel bad Mike? You? why because I made you feel bad when I cry? or should I be killed to hear from a friend his comments and his jokes about the thing that made my life hell.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Fighting for it

I am sorry I have not been posting anything. I kind of gave up for few days. Anyways I am back on track:

  • I am taking antidepressants now and hopefully they will work and make my life easier
  • I am eating a maximum of 1200 calories everyday
  • I decided to stop the chocolate and lower the sweet food. I want my brain to stop being addicted
  • I am working out everyday burning about 250-500 calories per day
  • I am focusing on getting my protein for my muscle
  • I am not getting my period because of intense workout
  • On monday I will weigh myself again and see how much I got to.
  • I am applying to medicine and I am stressed about my letters
  • I want to focus on my studies and future
  • I want to volunteer for a mental illness comity
  • And finally I want my life and youth back
Stay strong for those who are fighting for happiness. You are not alone !!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Low R Score

My R score went down to 31 after being 32 last time I checked. Well, let's face it I had a semester of hell but why do I feel so bad? I am happy I am alive actually, I am grateful that this term was over and that depression is becoming less day by day. I am starting medication today and I want to see results and improvements. I have to make this work. I hope medicine will still accept me even though my grade is low. Hopefully, the medical letters will help.