The truth revealed

Let's get it all out:

Yesterday I went see my ex boyfriend's brother, he is considered to be my friend and my brother. I have not been at their place since October and when I was walking towards their house I was thinking about all the times I walked this way happy about having someone to love. I had flashback of times when we were sitting and kissing and talking and walking. I got to their place, it was a mess. The mother, considered to be my own mother, has been away for 2 month. For sure, the boys are lazy and can't take care of themselves. So I was in the living room and I see flowers. I ask the big brother who are these for, and he tells me for my ex, Rabih. I say oh he has a girlfriend and he looks at me sadly and says yes. I needed to cry so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I cried a bit, felt better and got out. I went to prepare some food for him and I needed to talk to someone. I excused myself and went to the room and called a friend who made me feel a lot worse. I started crying and then I started screaming and crying and Kamil, the big brother came to the room and hugged me like a father. I cried and I  talked, shaked, bleeded from the nose, had chest pains. Everything got out. He spent some time hugging me and caressing my hair and arms and he told me let it all out. I spent all my time cleaning the house with him and we ate , I was not able to swallow. I stayed there for about 5-6 hours and we talked about how I was feeling. This guy is the same version as me, went through same experiences and has the same personality so he understands my way of thinking. Rabih has a russian gf and he has been dating her for 2-3 weeks. Today, I am very bad and I feel I just got again to level 0. I will be posting when I can all my feelings about it but I am just crying because I got into depression and in the end he got another girlfriend...

Devastating

I know I have not been writing anything but my medication is really affecting my day.
So I started taking antidepressants and the first one I am trying is the neurotransmitter for serotonin and my cravings went very low. However, I am experiencing the side effects. I am very emotional today and I am crying by myself all day long. I am shaking and I have suicidal ideas and it is not helping me get better. My appetite went very low today and I feel like sleeping all day but yesterday something happened.

A so called friend of mine hurt me badly. We were talking and then he says a comment that upsets me. When he sees that I got angrier he tells me: "Go take another pill or something". I was shocked and tears fell down. WHy? because I am already devastated that my happiness depends on a pill. I am so screwed up that I need a pill to lift my mood up and you come and you joke about my destruction?

Later on, he comes and he tells me why are u crying and that he feels bad and that he always jokes about these things and why am I taking it seriously. I tell him you know what I don't care.

2 minutes later he comes and he tells me what makes me a bit upset is that you cried because I was joking about and in 2 seconds you tell me I don't care after making me feel bad?

Who is the one who should feel bad Mike? You? why because I made you feel bad when I cry? or should I be killed to hear from a friend his comments and his jokes about the thing that made my life hell.

Fighting for it

I am sorry I have not been posting anything. I kind of gave up for few days. Anyways I am back on track:

• I am taking antidepressants now and hopefully they will work and make my life easier
• I am eating a maximum of 1200 calories everyday
• I decided to stop the chocolate and lower the sweet food. I want my brain to stop being addicted
• I am working out everyday burning about 250-500 calories per day
• I am focusing on getting my protein for my muscle
• I am not getting my period because of intense workout
• On monday I will weigh myself again and see how much I got to.
• I am applying to medicine and I am stressed about my letters
• I want to focus on my studies and future
• I want to volunteer for a mental illness comity
• And finally I want my life and youth back

Stay strong for those who are fighting for happiness. You are not alone !!

Low R Score

My R score went down to 31 after being 32 last time I checked. Well, let's face it I had a semester of hell but why do I feel so bad? I am happy I am alive actually, I am grateful that this term was over and that depression is becoming less day by day. I am starting medication today and I want to see results and improvements. I have to make this work. I hope medicine will still accept me even though my grade is low. Hopefully, the medical letters will help.

Calories today

Today I was supposed to have 1000 calories. So

Breakfast: protein shake and 1 banana 130 and 105
1 jam sandwich 130
1 fruit 80
Launch: Chicken grilled and vegetables: 250 calories and 1 clementine 35
Couscous: 150 and 1 yogurt 35

Total 915 out of 1000

Purging/ stomach hurts

Today I was supposed to eat 1000. I came home few hours ago and I decided to binge and purge. SO I purged and I swear I stayed there for like 20 min and every time I purged it was lot of water and food coming out. SO it feels good but it feels like shit since my stomach hurts badly.  I counted my calories and I assume I respected my limit since I purged a lot. I am getting my period soon and I hate the feeling of being so bloated. SO tomorrow it's 1200 calories I feel like preparing my menu:

• So after gym it will be: 1 protein shake with half a banana: 182.5
• Then I will do my best!! to eat at 10 if I can't I will try to eat at 9h302 slices of bread with jam: 130
• Then at 1h or 1h30 I will have an egg sandwich prepared by me:) 170 calories and I will have some orange juice 80 calories and maybe half an apple: 50 calories.
• I will go to the hospital to do my volunteer shift: In the bus I will have my other half apple: 50 calories.
• After I finish I will eat for my workout: I will be eating a cup and a half of cereal with milk: 132 calories and I will have an orange: 85 calories

Total for now:  879.5 I can still have 220.5 calories

When I come home I am thinking about having a salad with dressing in it: salad will be 80 cal and the dressing will be 40. 1 kiwi: 46 and one chocolate bar which will be 60 calories. It will be dark!

Total: 1105.5 calories.

For sure if I can eat less it will be great!!