Calories today

Today I was supposed to have 1000 calories. So

Breakfast: protein shake and 1 banana 130 and 105
1 jam sandwich 130
1 fruit 80
Launch: Chicken grilled and vegetables: 250 calories and 1 clementine 35
Couscous: 150 and 1 yogurt 35

Total 915 out of 1000

Purging/ stomach hurts

Today I was supposed to eat 1000. I came home few hours ago and I decided to binge and purge. SO I purged and I swear I stayed there for like 20 min and every time I purged it was lot of water and food coming out. SO it feels good but it feels like shit since my stomach hurts badly.  I counted my calories and I assume I respected my limit since I purged a lot. I am getting my period soon and I hate the feeling of being so bloated. SO tomorrow it's 1200 calories I feel like preparing my menu:

• So after gym it will be: 1 protein shake with half a banana: 182.5
• Then I will do my best!! to eat at 10 if I can't I will try to eat at 9h302 slices of bread with jam: 130
• Then at 1h or 1h30 I will have an egg sandwich prepared by me:) 170 calories and I will have some orange juice 80 calories and maybe half an apple: 50 calories.
• I will go to the hospital to do my volunteer shift: In the bus I will have my other half apple: 50 calories.
• After I finish I will eat for my workout: I will be eating a cup and a half of cereal with milk: 132 calories and I will have an orange: 85 calories

Total for now:  879.5 I can still have 220.5 calories

When I come home I am thinking about having a salad with dressing in it: salad will be 80 cal and the dressing will be 40. 1 kiwi: 46 and one chocolate bar which will be 60 calories. It will be dark!

Total: 1105.5 calories.

For sure if I can eat less it will be great!!

31/01/2010

Everyday I will post what I ate. I think it will make me feel stronger.
Today my limit was 900.
In the morning: 1 whole wheat bread with jam: 160
1 banana: 105
In the afternoon: Big vegetable soup with grilled chicken inside and whole wheat pasta very small quantity of pasta though: about I donno 250 300? Max?
Grilled chicken: 200? Maximum

Total: 765

I am happy I did not need chocolate to lift my depressed mood.

Refusal

I know I lost weight but I don't feel like weighing myself. I will buy tomorrow a digital scale and also it will show the percent body fat. I hate this fat on my body.

A typical day of depression

Yesterday was a typical border line/ depression day. I woke up at 1 as usual not able to sleep and I was walking in the house: Going to the kitchen/ preparing food for the day/ cleaning dishes/ going to the bathroom. My mum woke up at 4 and she started yelling at me: You always wake up and disturb the house and all the family has to wake up because of you and everything. I know it has been a long time my mum did not yell at me but I just wish she understands the fact that I am not able to sleep, I just can't and I am becoming obsessed about cleaning everything too that's why I make so much noise in the kitchen. She was also angry because my brother was not able to study and I just hate it when she has to put all her anger on me. For god sake, I know my mood and my behavior is not tolerable but from all people you do not need to hurt me and say things bad things. It just hurts. So I rushed to go to the gym and for the first time gym meant nothing. Usually I feel I put something out after my gym for example all the anger comes out but I felt like there is so much frustration inside of me because of this life. And you go to school and you get upset about this person who stops randomly in front of you, about the perfectionist girl who acts so stupid and dumb, the teacher who is so hyper, the teacher who puts classical music in class. I know sir you like the music but keep your passion for yourself you do not need to make people listen to the music. I just hate it all this negative energy, I get so pissed easily, I feel like hitting people and make them bleed but in my head there is this voice who says No you can't you will go to jail. The temptation is just too strong. I am just I donno angry and mad and sad. Then I go to classes and I feel very very sad and I remember how nobody can tolerate me, how nobody hangs out with me. For example: mike my friend well I donno if I can call you my friend but you already told me you are interested in me just physically let's say because you want to sleep with me and I always say no. And I really loved hanging out with you and now the only thing I see in you is this idea of sleeping with me. Yes I did kiss you but honestly I felt nothing I was not even turned on. I felt like just throwing up. You always hang out with others and when you come to me and talk to me I donno you are just not the right person to talk to about what is going on with me. I wish I donno sometimes I look at you and I admit you are attractive but we are not animals. You won't just sleep with me and behave like nothing happened. You do not want a serious relationship and I admit I can't love you, I barely feel alive. Just don't treat me like that every time you talk to me it's about sex and the physical attraction and you tell me that I relate sex to love and I donno all other kind of shit you say. You know you never came to me or texted me or called me and said let's hang out and have fun. I just see you I donno with others and I feel like oh I am the girl with the pain and problems and you don't stay with me because I always have things to complain about. Do I hate you? I donno what I feel or even if I feel it's just I am just pissed at this thing. You come then to class and you notice I was crying and you say: Is it another down moment or is it a new thing. You know what I can tell you is in case I kill myself you deserve to blame yourself also and consider yourself a part of my death. I know my happiness depends on others I know that I wish I can change it just don't come and tell me that. It's like Oh problems again what now? what is she pissed about now?
Then comes Romeo the other so called " friend". You were a problem last year and now we are friends again but I will never do the mistake twice. You sit next to me and you ask me what's wrong and why I am crying and why I am so upset and you insist on telling you. Then I say: don't waste your time on me. What I mean is i am also just a burden to you. Why do you want to hang out with a depressed person. It does piss me off also but I won't tell you anything. Because in two weeks you will come to me and you will tell me oh you are always miserable and unhappy and it's okay it's NOTHING. If it's nothing then it wouldn't last 6 month. It's been 6 month I have been in this darkness and I can't get out. I just hate how my happiness depends on others, how I feel that nobody gives a damn. That's why I think about suicide it's just so simple YOU are a pain to everybody, nobody understands nobody cares and you don't feel alive you feel dead you feel numb I was really imagining myself taking the pills and wanting it so bad.

Welcome to my life Reader!

Starting again after adjusting

So I have noticed that this is not working therefore I will always write my diet the day before and stick to it. For now, I will eat 1200 calories maximum on the days when I have basketball practice- 1000 on the days when I workout without basketball- and 900 on the days when I do not work out. This will be very hard for my body but it should work there are people out there who starve themselves and eat 300 cal I can do this. I just really need to be strong.
Tomorrow: Gym cardio in the morning and 2 hours basketball at night. Calorie intake: 1200 maximum:
As soon as I wake up I will have 3 ice cubes
1 Protein shake at 7 am: 130 calories
10 am: 1 sandwich and jam which is about 170 calories and one apple which is about 80 calories
1 pm: fish filet and salade : 200 calories
4 pm: 1 kellogs bar for glucose
2 cups of cereal with 100 ml milk which gives 346
After practice I will have my protein shake

Total: 1066 calories and for calories burned I can say I will burn minimum 500 calories this means I created a 900 calorie deficit on this day.

Thank GOD

Successful day 9 and I am back on track
Breakfast: 176 calories
Launch: 220 calories
Dinner: 405 calories

Total: 801 calories. Love it:D