31/01/2010

Everyday I will post what I ate. I think it will make me feel stronger.
Today my limit was 900.
In the morning: 1 whole wheat bread with jam: 160
1 banana: 105
In the afternoon: Big vegetable soup with grilled chicken inside and whole wheat pasta very small quantity of pasta though: about I donno 250 300? Max?
Grilled chicken: 200? Maximum

Total: 765

I am happy I did not need chocolate to lift my depressed mood.

Refusal

I know I lost weight but I don't feel like weighing myself. I will buy tomorrow a digital scale and also it will show the percent body fat. I hate this fat on my body.

A typical day of depression

Yesterday was a typical border line/ depression day. I woke up at 1 as usual not able to sleep and I was walking in the house: Going to the kitchen/ preparing food for the day/ cleaning dishes/ going to the bathroom. My mum woke up at 4 and she started yelling at me: You always wake up and disturb the house and all the family has to wake up because of you and everything. I know it has been a long time my mum did not yell at me but I just wish she understands the fact that I am not able to sleep, I just can't and I am becoming obsessed about cleaning everything too that's why I make so much noise in the kitchen. She was also angry because my brother was not able to study and I just hate it when she has to put all her anger on me. For god sake, I know my mood and my behavior is not tolerable but from all people you do not need to hurt me and say things bad things. It just hurts. So I rushed to go to the gym and for the first time gym meant nothing. Usually I feel I put something out after my gym for example all the anger comes out but I felt like there is so much frustration inside of me because of this life. And you go to school and you get upset about this person who stops randomly in front of you, about the perfectionist girl who acts so stupid and dumb, the teacher who is so hyper, the teacher who puts classical music in class. I know sir you like the music but keep your passion for yourself you do not need to make people listen to the music. I just hate it all this negative energy, I get so pissed easily, I feel like hitting people and make them bleed but in my head there is this voice who says No you can't you will go to jail. The temptation is just too strong. I am just I donno angry and mad and sad. Then I go to classes and I feel very very sad and I remember how nobody can tolerate me, how nobody hangs out with me. For example: mike my friend well I donno if I can call you my friend but you already told me you are interested in me just physically let's say because you want to sleep with me and I always say no. And I really loved hanging out with you and now the only thing I see in you is this idea of sleeping with me. Yes I did kiss you but honestly I felt nothing I was not even turned on. I felt like just throwing up. You always hang out with others and when you come to me and talk to me I donno you are just not the right person to talk to about what is going on with me. I wish I donno sometimes I look at you and I admit you are attractive but we are not animals. You won't just sleep with me and behave like nothing happened. You do not want a serious relationship and I admit I can't love you, I barely feel alive. Just don't treat me like that every time you talk to me it's about sex and the physical attraction and you tell me that I relate sex to love and I donno all other kind of shit you say. You know you never came to me or texted me or called me and said let's hang out and have fun. I just see you I donno with others and I feel like oh I am the girl with the pain and problems and you don't stay with me because I always have things to complain about. Do I hate you? I donno what I feel or even if I feel it's just I am just pissed at this thing. You come then to class and you notice I was crying and you say: Is it another down moment or is it a new thing. You know what I can tell you is in case I kill myself you deserve to blame yourself also and consider yourself a part of my death. I know my happiness depends on others I know that I wish I can change it just don't come and tell me that. It's like Oh problems again what now? what is she pissed about now?
Then comes Romeo the other so called " friend". You were a problem last year and now we are friends again but I will never do the mistake twice. You sit next to me and you ask me what's wrong and why I am crying and why I am so upset and you insist on telling you. Then I say: don't waste your time on me. What I mean is i am also just a burden to you. Why do you want to hang out with a depressed person. It does piss me off also but I won't tell you anything. Because in two weeks you will come to me and you will tell me oh you are always miserable and unhappy and it's okay it's NOTHING. If it's nothing then it wouldn't last 6 month. It's been 6 month I have been in this darkness and I can't get out. I just hate how my happiness depends on others, how I feel that nobody gives a damn. That's why I think about suicide it's just so simple YOU are a pain to everybody, nobody understands nobody cares and you don't feel alive you feel dead you feel numb I was really imagining myself taking the pills and wanting it so bad.

Welcome to my life Reader!

Starting again after adjusting

So I have noticed that this is not working therefore I will always write my diet the day before and stick to it. For now, I will eat 1200 calories maximum on the days when I have basketball practice- 1000 on the days when I workout without basketball- and 900 on the days when I do not work out. This will be very hard for my body but it should work there are people out there who starve themselves and eat 300 cal I can do this. I just really need to be strong.
Tomorrow: Gym cardio in the morning and 2 hours basketball at night. Calorie intake: 1200 maximum:
As soon as I wake up I will have 3 ice cubes
1 Protein shake at 7 am: 130 calories
10 am: 1 sandwich and jam which is about 170 calories and one apple which is about 80 calories
1 pm: fish filet and salade : 200 calories
4 pm: 1 kellogs bar for glucose
2 cups of cereal with 100 ml milk which gives 346
After practice I will have my protein shake

Total: 1066 calories and for calories burned I can say I will burn minimum 500 calories this means I created a 900 calorie deficit on this day.

Thank GOD

Successful day 9 and I am back on track
Breakfast: 176 calories
Launch: 220 calories
Dinner: 405 calories

Total: 801 calories. Love it:D

Exercise vs. Appetite: Does Working Out Make You Eat More?

" Exercise makes us thin, right? Not so fast -- Time Magazine recently declared that exercise won't make us thin for several reasons but one in particular: working out leads us to eat more, likely because physical activity makes us hungry. And our post-fitness ravenous state leads us to take in more calories than we actually burned off during our workout, which results in -- no surprise here -- weight gain, or at the very least least, no weight lost"

Ya I don't like this ... hmmm

"Research on 58 overweight and obese adults showed that exercise did increase appetite in participants, but it also lead to them being more readily satisfied by the food they ate, meaning they felt full more quickly than they did when they weren't active. Ultimately, this would mean that while we'd definitely feel hungry after a workout, we'd eat less than we normally would have, which is never a bad thing.

But what about exercise and weight loss? Overall, it seems that exercise can help people lose weight, but unless you're logging at least a couple of hours a day at the gym, you'll still need to pay attention to what you're eating to see quick results. Says key researcher Dr. Neil King of Queensland University of Technology in Brisbane, "exercise is good for you, [but] don't expect unrealistic weight loss and don't give up exercising just because of lower-than-expected weight loss."

Well this article makes me think a lot because it means that my exercising will make me eat more. But, it's okay I know I am stronger than this and I will find a way to control all this stupid hunger and cravings. I refuse to let the food control my life anymore

Does exercising make you eat more?

1. Get realistic about the number of calories you're burning.

They mean that if you work out and you burn for example 300 calories don't go and eat a muffin afterward. I know that if you are eating 800-1000 calories you can include a muffin but then just sit down and not work out because you are just putting junk in ur body for nothing.

2. Get realistic about the number of calories you're eating.
Okay well this does not apply to me actually because well I workout very intensely I have muscles all over my body in a week and I love it. But I can't eat 2000 calories it's crazy even though I binge but still. So my recommendations this is actually hell lol. It's because the reason why I have not been able to maintain 1200 is because my body takes all the energy for muscles so I know that if I stay away from home or sleep early I will be able to control my calorie intake. My best advice to not feel starvation is to really divide the portion of food over the day and know when you eat the most and try to give yourself the most calories left at that time. Also, if u can drink protein shakes they are 120 calories per shake with just water and you can have flavors but it's good because then your body does not make you feel hungry since the proteins are provided to him. Also buy vitamins capsules because you need it as you read in my previous article about what you are actually craving you will know how to reduce those cravings by giving your body the right vitamins.

2. Use a new reward system
Amazing thing to do when you lose weight :D

3. Don't stop believing...
in the power of exercise. Beyond weight loss, being physically fit could reduce your risk of disease, ward off back pain and even improve your memory.
ALSO never stop believing in the power of ana Stay strong


Source: http://www.self.com/fooddiet/blogs/healthybites/2009/08/does-exercising-make-you-eat-m.html